I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth