Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

sweet dreams💖

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned