I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?