Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.