i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target