Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

that would 100% work on me

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?