I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.