Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

anyone else like Italian cereal

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets