Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.