Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

🤣🤣

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm