I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Breaking news:
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese