Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

My work here is don’t.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.