Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.