Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Rambo Rambow

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…