Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

April 1st is the class clown of days.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.