Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.