I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
more water
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it