I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Gods work.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.