I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.