Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Always

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life