I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”