Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

classic mixup

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?