Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Not today.. 😂

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell