I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.