I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
worst…sale…ever
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My neck, my back, my…
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.