I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
You Might Also Like
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree