I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Put a ring on it
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
what kind of cook setting is this??
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.