I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN