i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
ugh not again
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear