I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You Might Also Like
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Word!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail