I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
*pronounces patio like ratio
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Seems legit
