Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Oops 🤭

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Overindulged this afternoon.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)