Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.