Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)