i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The Punning Dead.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake