Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Go gym

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.