I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular