I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.


*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?


Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband


Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.


Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*


Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.


a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot


We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!