@serendipitydon1

I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

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@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@jazmasta

*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@sixfootcandy

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

@UnFitz

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!