Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
my mind
You just read my mind
Money is the root of all wealth
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.