i just found this in my phone
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.