i just found this in my phone
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
what?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds