i just found this in my phone
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Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The Book. The Movie.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy