i just found this in my phone
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.