i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: