i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.