@NapVeg

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

You Might Also Like

@whatsJo

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@thetobbie

Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@StarWarsProblms

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@PwrFulWmn

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.