mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.