i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.