i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

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mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar


Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick


Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…


[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991


Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here


The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.


Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.



she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street


I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.


Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.