Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”