Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

😂

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.