Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.