I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
the last thing a carrot sees
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?