I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm