I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…