Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

What a website

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

He-man has a Masters degree

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

“Huge”.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

This is a bad sign

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.