I just gave your address to some possums.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭