I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.