I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I need to update my racial profile.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air