I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*