Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.