I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

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Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.


I’ve never understood the saying “you want some cheese with your whine?” Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.


I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!


Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.


Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.


#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris