@ImaFlyontheWall
True…so damn true
@hannalee_slc
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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@ImaFlyontheWall
@iancanwrite
Two things:
1: Got burgled this week.
2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.
@Divergentmama
I’ve never understood the saying “you want some cheese with your whine?” Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.
@cravin4
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
@TheBoydP
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
@JustMeTurtle
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
@daddydoubts
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
@AndrewChamings
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
@JohnLyonTweets
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
@Scimommy
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris