I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
![]()
You Might Also Like
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”![]()