Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.