Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

Message from the dog groomers

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……