Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Who’s your best friend?

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Jogging

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!