I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
anyone else like Italian cereal
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.