Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?