I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?