Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap