Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Monday

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory