i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?