Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money