I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
me after i passed that state trooper
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.