Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Can’t. Being lazy.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.