Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.