Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”