Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!